I had been with someone for almost four years, well, three and almost a half...things were not the best. They hadn't been for a while, but I loved on and pressed on, fingers crossed for a turn around, counting the days til I finally cut the rope, confused and flipflopping.
Maybe I love too easy, who knows. I no longer care how people view it. I used to, it used to bother me, I used to worry about others' perceptions. But, I have learned to keep some things quiet and when it comes to their knowledge, it comes.
This new blog is to help me keep track, just like the other ones. They've chronicled the adventures of love, hate, exasperation, growth, stagnation, discoveries, and the bittersweet.
His name is Lothan. And he is twenty-seven. I am thirty-five. I have two children. He has none. I've been married. He never has.
Things are still in the goo goo ga ga stage. A stage I have welcomed with open arms, but he has picked up on the apprehension and distance I sometimes give off. He often falls into asking if he has made me mad or upset me, or disappointed me. He is very in tuned to his emotions, thoughts and amazingly mine as well.
Our beginning was not ideal. It actually, sadly enough, was the same as the beginning of my last relationship.
I moved in September 2015. I was friends with the woman next door, and got to know her family a wee bit. Her children, two teens and a younger one the same age as my daughter often found themselves in my apartment. It was just how it evolved. Their uncle, quiet and unassuming, never came in. Never made himself friendly. He would make a quip or two. He would hail, make sure I was ok, especially since I had come up by myself and my boyfriend stayed behind in my house to secure some things and move the rest of the stuff out.
There were nights I played dominoes, hanging out with the guys. After working with children all day, running my own up and down to their own extra curricular activities after and then home, then homework, then dinner, then kisses and hugs, and conversations about the day's events all in between, I would find myself tired, but to wound up to go to bed. So dominoes it was. There still wasn't much conversations with him.
His birthday came and went. I felt leery of him, because I couldn't suss him out. I couldn't pick up his vibe. I felt he was capable of anything. One night he needed a ride to drop his friend home. The first time, he came with. I had to make a run to my kids' godmother, so I was making one long loop around out late that night on the road. I sent a message to her and let her know, I was out with him and if anything happened, her last message from me was that I was at the service station and headed to her in five.
It's a story we laugh about now.
There was conversation, I think we were both trying to feel each other out. He is very quiet and withdrawn, and I am unsteady. Who is this man?
Life went on, he was like background music. There were run ins, he came to my door every day to make his purchases, pleasantries exchanged, and la dee da. He was never forward, out of order or anything. When my boyfriend spent the weekend, he would hang out with the guys, I stayed inside. Some nights I ventured out and hung out, other nights, I was working on the financial budget, the kids' schedule, work stuff or enjoying the quiet of after 8pm.
So odd, though, that I would hang out when my boyfriend wasn't around. One day, some Maroon 5 was playing on my kids' radio. He knocked on the door and asked if I could turn it up, he was sitting under their window. No thing. That info slipped into the recesses of my mind, never to be forgotten. Another night, his nephew and I were bluetoothing some songs back and forth and it was suggested to check what he had because he had an extensive collection. Wow. From hardcore rap to rock to slow tunes. I 'stole' what I could, amazed at the comfort level of him to walk off and leave his phone in my hand. This intrigued me, the music. I shook it off.
I had no clue who this man was, really. Only that his nephew flirted with me hardcore and we had a lot of jokes in the yard going back and forth.
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